When You Don't Want What You Prayed For
When you try your best but you don't succeed:
For a long time, I had wanted a career in the veterinary field. This was before I even graduated with my bachelors degree. The intent was to have a job that I like in the meantime while I figure out what I wanted to do with my life. But as years went on, I started to feel like I should pursue a career in veterinary because of my love of animals. For a moment, I was regretting being in a grad school paying thousands for a career I didn't think I wanted anymore. Because I'm not one to waste money, I figured at the very least I can finish my degree, even if it may go to waste. But it didn't matter anyway. No veterinary jobs were calling me back nor were counseling related jobs.
Fast forward to last Fall where I decided that I was done (insert link) with the job I had. That's when I decided I'm going to try for a veterinary position one more time. I had turned it down months prior due to the pay but now I didn't care. I just wanted out of my current situation and do what I love. Five years later, I finessed my way into veterinary.
But that victory was short lived because I recently resigned after being there a mere six months.
I found myself not liking the position I was in. I figured it would be less stressful than my old job however that proved to be otherwise. Between dealing with angry owners, mundane administrative tasks, bad experiences with upper management, and low pay (I accepted less than what I was previously getting paid because I thought this was a good opportunity), I realized perhaps my old job wasn't so bad.
What it boiled down to was the fact that with my experience and education, I felt that particular position wasn't the type of position I should be doing. I even had second thoughts about potentially moving up and becoming an actual tech (which would cost more money to become licensed). It also didn't help that I had a major clash with upper management over something that was blown out of proportion. Even though things were smoothed over, I was still very traumatized by that experience. Never in my work history have I had a bad experience with a manager (this manager was new and wasn't the one that hired me btw just for context). If anything, all my previous managers would speak highly of me. Because all I do is come in, do my job, and go home. I don't want any trouble. On top of that, I didn't like that I wasn't retaining information the way I normally do. I was starting to feel incompetent.
It became so much that I dropped down to part time and still did my old job on weekends. That worked for a little while and I started to think maybe this could work. But somewhere around mid-March I got the feeling that this wasn't for me.
When you get what you want but not what you need:
I had prayed for this job. I just knew my life and career would be in veterinary care. It all made sense. Hell, even my therapist envisioned me working with animals. However, God didn't see it that way.
I think this is why my prayer was delayed. I feel like God knew this wasn't for me. But at the same time this is what I wanted. I mean, how was I supposed to know any better? I felt this was the right move so I went for it. I believe that God blessed me with this job so to speak to show me that even though I had wanted this job, it was not what I needed.
But if you never try, you never know:
I call this experience a blessing because I wouldn't have known this wasn't going to work out if I didn't try. Imagine if I would've dropped out of grad school and pursued an education in this field only to learn that this wasn't for me? At least God gave me the opportunity to see for myself. It allowed me to see why God was withholding this from me. It was not in my best interest. It was not what he saw fit for me.
Stuck in reverse:
Though I resigned, I'm not jobless. I actually returned to my old job full time again. This was a move I didn't want to do but I figured for the time being, it's something I needed to do. I'm not happy or sad about my return though my coworkers are through the roof. I'm still working through these feelings of disappointment. I don't regret any of the choices I made. But I can't lie and say I'm not disappointed about how things I had hoped and prayed for didn't work out. It sucks. It really fucking sucks.
Lights will guide you home and ignite your bones. And I will try to fix you.
God, please fix this mess I made & me in the process.