Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow?
Ever since I've gotten diagnosed, one of my biggest fears is that no one will want to be with me because of my illness. Even before the diagnosis, it was evident in almost all of my relationships that my partners were not about this life. It started to make me wonder will I always wake up alone.
Once I received diagnosis, I felt a sense of relief. Finally there was an answer to my episodes. An explanation to my psychotic breaks. A deeper look into why I behaved the way I did. There was a sense of freedom knowing that there was an actual reasoning behind the madness I was experiencing. I finally had something I could blame my emotional distress on.
As I was digesting my illnesses, I started to wonder what that meant for future relationships. How will I bring this up? Should I even tell them? Am I going to scare them away? Will they think I'm crazy and question every single emotion I may ever express? I started having flashbacks of my prior relationships and the turmoil that was caused due to what I now know as my mental illnesses. Maybe I should just keep it to myself.
Truth is, I'm scared that I will scare someone off. It was already very uncomfortable telling friends and family about my illness. Now, if & when I enter another relationship, an uneasiness sets in my spirit just at the thought of having that conversation. I can only keep it in for so long. All the hiding and lying I'd have to do just to save face. And god forbid they find this blog. That's the end of that.
I spend countless nights going over scenarios in my head on how these conversations will go. Sometimes they're very dramatic. Other times they are tamed at best. Then there the ones where the person I'm with wants to save me from my demons so to speak. It's a losing battle though because people like me can't be saved. When it's all over, each scenario ends with the person not wanting to deal with me and my illness.
It leaves me to wonder if there's hope for people like me or will I be forever alone? If I show you my sins and introduce you to the demons I live with, will you still love me tomorrow?
I'm not perfect but I promise I'm worth it.