God, Can You Hear Me Now?

After binge watching This is Us, I sat in my car and cried. Though the episodes had plenty of tear jerker moments, it wasn't the reason for my tears. I began crying because I simply became tired. 

Fifteen days into the new year and already I was falling apart. I'm uncertain about how I really feel about my new job, finances are not in the greatest shape, my cat's illness flared up, and I'm not quite sure what I'm doing with my life.

So I cried. And cried. And cried some more. 

I thought everything that was transpiring in just a few days was because of the conversation I had with God. Truth be told, I just wasn't feeling God anymore. I wish I could say it was nothing personal but yet, it was. I felt that my prayers weren't being answered; that my affirmations & tithes were in vain. Why wasn't receiving the signs and guidance that I was asking for? Why can't God just tell me what to do and I'll do it?

So in that moment, I denounced God. It was only 3 days in which I basically stopped praying day and night then my cat became sick again. Then I ended up getting the stomach flu that lasted way longer than it should have. How ironic. 

Right then and there I felt that this was my karma. This is what I get for rejecting God despite of all the good he has done and the prayers he has answered. 

So here I am, in my car, in complete tears. I'm not feeling my job. My cat's recovery isn't happening as fast as usual. My bank account hates me. I'm falling apart physically and mentally. I don't have a clue of what I was put on earth to do. 

But I went back to praying though. However, I'm still wondering if God can hear me because I'm not sure I'm hearing him. 


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