Just A Little Prayer
September 1st, 2016:
I was sitting in my car bright and early at work with an hour to spare. Traffic is a nightmare if I leave later than 6:30am. And with school conveniently back in session, I was starting to feel like I need to leave earlier. But that would require me to wake up earlier than I already do for a job that I now strongly dislike.
Before I take my morning nap, I decided to have a "chat" with God because well, I was fed up. I was unhappy with my job and it was brewing over the past several months. I wanted to quit a while ago. Even went on interview for a company that I had been wanting to work for for years. But instead of seeing that job through to the second interview, I declined. My manager went out of the way for me to get the job I have. I didn't want to come off as ungrateful. I'd rather be unhappy than ungrateful.
But my unhappiness started coming to the forefront. I felt myself getting mean. Felt myself becoming short with patients because I had no patience. Felt myself becoming stoic and detached. I just came to work, did what I had to do, and counted down til 5.
So I told God as I drifted off to sleep for the next 60 minutes: "I need to either move up or move out. Preferably move out." And that was the end of my prayer.
Right after, I began looking for jobs left and right. Applied to places that gave no response. The ones that did told me straight up I was not a good fit for their company. Not even granting me interview. Disgusted as I was when I got those emails, perhaps I wasn't.
I got discouraged and started reasoning with myself. Tried to convince myself to stay where I'm at. Try to make a year. If I go elsewhere, I'm going to have to rebuild vacay time and I'm planning to go out the country next year. Yeah, maybe not. I tried to convince myself if I just try to stay as desensitized as possible, I can do this. Not quite sure how I was planning to do that considering one of my mental illnesses is based on hypersensitivity. That and I hadn't been to my doctor in a while to re-up on additional drugs. "Shit, if I don't find something, might as well stay here," I thought. Even contemplated taking a leap of faith and just putting in my two weeks and hope for the best. But the way my faith was set up...
To be continued.
To be continued.