Coping and Doping

It’s no secret that I suffer from mental illnesses. Just look at this blog. Just look at my twitter. There’s no question that not only do I deal with it on a regular basis but I am also advocate for it, especially for black people. For the most part, I’m an open book about it through my writing. But I also have a don’t ask, don’t tell policy. Even when writing, I try to be as transparent as possible, but I still pick and choose what I wish to share.

Which leads me to this post. This is not something I was originally going to discuss but considering the high rates of suicide and the likes, I decided that I should get open about some of the struggles that I refuse to talk about. Though I advocate for therapy and seeking help, I have to admit that I can be a hypocrite. It’s weird that I’m technically a counselor but yet I don’t seek help myself. But I don’t mind being a listening ear or having someone being open with me about their struggles. However, for me, it’s the other way around. The main reason that I refused to seek therapy is not only was I ashamed and in denial, but I’m not good at discussing my problems, even with people the closest to me. So while I had an episode in which I was severely triggered, instead of going to my doctor, I just ignored it and just let my demons run wild.

I didn’t care about being caught up in a episode. I didn’t care how severe it was. I was triggered and that was the end of that. I wasn’t going to practice any of my techniques that I would give to clients or even myself. I just wanted to be in my feelings for as long as long as I needed to be. I didn’t talk to anyone with the exception of Jackie and even that was far in between. I saw the calls, tweets, and missed texts. How sweet, I thought. But I also thought, “but y’all don’t really care though so…” And perhaps some really did but my mind couldn’t filter or understand that. 

I was emotionally disconnected from the world and distant from everyone. To be honest, I wasn’t really dealing or handling my triggers properly. As I stated before, I’m still learning how to contain myself when I am triggered. Because of this, I found myself coping through my prescriptions and then some. I remember the last time I seen my doctor, I asked him to give me something or two that would make me feel like I’m autopilot. I did not want to be of the world. I wanted to be elsewhere. Of course, he said no but that didn’t mean I couldn’t take matters into my own hands. I quickly found myself taking more than my required dosage. I started mixing medications illegally. I started to make sure that I was on autopilot if not all day, then majority of it. I was borderline suicidal and contemplated whether I should just stop fucking around and just take all of the medications at once. But I didn’t though because I’m a punk and in hindsight, perhaps that’s a good thing.

I don’t advocate for coping through doping just so we’re clear. But I can understand now why people do so after actively putting myself in that position. Of course there were other ways I could’ve dealt with what going on. But I think it’s just easier to go straight for medication, alcohol, or whatever because we know exactly what they’re going to do with us. Though I studied it in grad school, I now have a better understanding of what addiction is, what it looks like, and how easy it is to get addicted especially during troubled times. As of currently, I have yet to see my doctor (which is already a problem within itself) but I’m no longer popping pills beyond what I need to take. It’s not an easy feat especially when you still have trouble opening up a year and some change later and having quite mastered my triggers.

But I’m working on it. That’s all I got.


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