What is Borderline Personality Disorder Anyway?

As you all I know, last month I was severely triggered which caused me to go MIA. The thing about borderline personality disorder is that you can be triggered by anything at any given time. There's no warning signs or anything. And I will admit, that day my demons won and I allowed them to have their way with me for those 30 days. 

But what exactly is borderline personality disorder? 

Because it can be rather complicated to explain, the simplest way to put it is this: unstable emotions, relationships, and behaviors. It's something that's developed over time based on life experiences and how one has adapted to those life experiences. Clearly, I didn't adapt well and here we are. 

What triggers BPD is people and certain environments. For me, it's usually people. So when I say I have a  strong dislike for people, I'm not kidding. Typically they are the source of my triggers. 

Another way to describe BPD is like walking on eggshells because the person is hypersensitive. You honestly don't know what's going to set them off and relapse. So one always have to be careful in a sense when dealing with someone with BPD. Especially if they're not on medication. 

Borderline personality disorder can be tricky to diagnose because it mirrors other mental illnesses such as my bipolar disorder. For a while, I couldn't tell the difference between the two and was going back and forth  deciding on what I had. I finally went to the doctor only to find out that I had/have both. Even with that revelation, it was still very difficult to decipher which type of episode I was experiencing. 

After more research and understanding my disorder, I learned that BPD is my baseline whereas bipolar is not. Borderline personality disorder is basically who I became as a person over time once again due to life experiences. I didn't handle things in my life well growing up and it has manifested into my actual personality. 

I'm not going to lie. It sucks. I hate the fact that I'm hypersensitive. I hate that I have destructive behaviors. I hate the fact that a lot of my friendships are unstable hence why I don't have a lot. 

Despite being on medication, I still don't know how to properly deal when I'm triggered. My first instinct is to fall off the face of the earth and contemplate suicide. It's not the best method but I'm trying to work on it. 

No one really knows about my triggers or how severe my BPD is. It just might be even worse than my bipolar disorder. 

But of course no one would ever know. When you constantly put on a brave face and attempt to be strong, it's easy to not notice when one is suffering. 


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