Growing with God

After being severely triggered by someone close to me, I decided to take a sudden leave of absence from life. It wasn't planned. But I had been at war with my demons all week and that day they won.
As I said on my Twitter when I decided to return back to the real world, I haven't quite mastered the art of handling my triggers with borderline personality disorder. Anything can trigger me at any time and honestly, it fucking sucks. Medication can only go so far. 

But then comes God. 

During my disappearance, I used that time to develop a better relationship with God. In the last few months my life has changed dramatically. Despite my mental illness and those struggles, spiritually speaking, I'm in a different place than I was before. To be honest, this is the closest to God I've ever been in my entire life. 

For the past 6 months, I've been on a spiritual journey to say the least and have actually been applying it to my life. I say actually because I've been reading self help and spiritual books for quite some time and I'm just now finally understanding them. I'm just now understanding God. But He always understood me. 

I used my absence not only to finish up my graduate degree (which coincidentally is from a Christian based school) but also to spend more time with God. More time with myself. More time with my thoughts. 

I spent my mornings and nights deep in prayer. Sometimes during the day I'd find myself praying because trust me, it was needed. I found myself praying for others, blessing situations, and building my faith. Right in the midst of my trigger, I learned what my mission and purpose in life was. I realized what I'm supposed to do with my degree, my independent learning, and what those dreams meant. They were God dreams for sure. 

I'm more comfortable with God now and more understanding of his essence and the role he plays in my life. But I also learned he can only do for you what he can do through you. This reminded me that I had a lot of inner cleaning that needed to be done if God's going to use me for my Divine purpose. 

During this spiritual growth I had to keep reminding myself that this is the real deal. The changes I'm experiencing are real. My connection with God is real. I had to make sure that I wasn't going into a hypomanic episode with all my God talk. 

 But God's real and he ain't through with me just yet. 


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