Sometimes, My Demons Win

I wish I can say that my meds (that I've now started re-taking) have been working. I wish I can say that my moods are now stabilized. I wish I can say that I haven't had an episode or inkling of one in some time. But that would be a complete lie.

Yes, I take my meds but sometimes they don't always do the trick. They're not get-happy-quick type of pills. And if they were, I'd be in for a ride because they would sure put me in a manic episode. What they are supposed to do is keep my moods leveled. And they do until they don't.

The thing with having bipolar disorder is that you never really know when an episode is about to hit. You can be fine one day and then in a depression the next day which may last weeks, months, or more. Or, on the contrary, you can be fine then all of sudden you're doing absolutely fabulous aka entering a manic episode which is just as dangerous as depression.

Now add on having a personality disorder to that. A disorder so bad that it's almost like walking on eggshells when comes to me. My emotions are unstable. My behaviors are unstable. My identity is unstable. My relationships are unstable. Everything is on a borderline.

Typically meds are supposed to do what they're supposed to do. And when they don't, instead of fighting the episode(s), I go with them. No  sense of going against the grain. I've learned that it's best to let my episodes just happen because sometimes they need to happen. When I get tired of trying to stop them in their tracks, I just let them take control. I let them run its course.

Is that healthy? Probably not. Should I try to control them? Eh. But I believe that we shouldn't be so quick to dismiss our feelings as if they're not real. We are human after all and we do have feelings. Mental illness or not, we can't keep our emotions bottled up and expect them not to spill over.

So yes, I may be on medication but I let those episodes consume me. Not because I want to per se but because sometimes, my demons win.

Photo credit: getty images


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