Life After The Diagnosis

It's been almost a year since my diagnosis of Bipolar II disorder as well as Borderline personality disorder. And to be quite honest, it still hasn't quite settled in yet and may never will. Maybe it's because this is something that I've been battling for quite some time and the only real difference now is that I have a diagnosis for it what it really is.

My friends don't talk much to me about it. My family, after telling them months after the fact, don't either. They don't even ask and you know what, maybe it's for the best they don't. I'm not sure what I would even say really. All I would muster up is that I occasionally have mood swings that often times get severe. But even that seems like I'm saying too much.

And it's not that I don't want to talk to about it. But I think it's hard to express myself to people who I feel don't really understand what Bipolar and BPD is. Hell, it's hard to express myself in general.
It would probably be best if I talked to my psychiatrist but I haven't seen him in months. I keep planning on going but due to financial constraints, I kept putting it off. I'm in a better position now to go see him and I know I probably should especially since I need to re-up on my medication.

Speaking of meds, I haven't taking any in months. Well, that's not all the way true. I take them sporadically. But I stopped because I felt like they weren't working anymore and at the time, I just found myself getting worse. So I would just take them randomly just to say I did. But I didn't want to take them anyway. I still wasn't ready to fully admit that there is something wrong that I needed medication.

But I decided that it's probably time go back and see a professional because there's a lot thoughts and feelings that have been internalized since the diagnosis. And it will probably be beneficial if I started taking my medication again. My moods are stabilized now but it doesn't hurt to keep them stabilized.
Most days I don't even remember I have a mental illness or two. It's only when I'm triggered that I'm reminded I probably should be on my meds. Luckily my trigger levels have been low in recent times allowing me to feel more in control of my emotions. But despite the setbacks and strides, I'm still a work in progress. And with illnesses such as these, I probably always will be.


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