A Leap of Faith
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I knew this wasn't for me but I did anyway. Nothing else was going right so I felt like I had nothing to lose. But I know myself and I should've stuck with my no, regardless of where I was at the time. However, I started becoming frustrated and filled with irritation. So I irrationally did what I felt like I had to do.
But once I made the choice, I started feeling like I was sinking in quick sand. I felt myself becoming more stuck everyday. I had to get out but I didn't want to disappoint anyone. I didn't want to let myself down. I don't take on anything I don't feel like I can do, regardless if I even want to or not. Even if I hate, I'm going to give it my all. And that's what I did until I just couldn't do it anymore.
I've spent many days and nights praying in tears for guidance and some relief. Some days were better than others. Better as in I didn't cry that day or had the urge to. There were times I felt like God heard me and he made a way. But there were many more times I felt like my prayers were falling on deaf ears.
After having two (public) breakdowns (these combo episodes are no joke), I asked God for a sign. I had started talking/writing to him and to myself for the past few days. I needed out. I wanted to be happy. I don't want these episodes to last any longer than they already have. So pleaded for a sign. A clear sign. And in some strange way, I got it.
I quit my job that same day I received the sign after only being there not even 3 months. But I didn't feel as freed as I thought I should have. I cried with my supervisor who I ended getting to know on a deeper level in such a short time. She told me not to feel bad. Look at it as that I wanted more for myself than this job. I did which was part of the reason I quit. But that still didn't change how I felt inside.
I came home and cried to my mother. I apologized profusely because that's what I do. I felt like I had let her down. She went out of her way to get me this job. I also felt like I let myself down in more ways than one. She wasn't mad. She said she knew I wasn't happy there but she wanted to help being that I wasn't happy where I was in my old job either. Still, I felt shitty. This was the first time in a few years that I was officially unemployed.
But there was no turning back. After a few days, my depression started to ease and my BPD episode was nonexistent. But searching for a new job became a job within itself. Nothing was hooking. Still, I kept at it everyday because I didn't want to get comfortable. I needed a job that would make me happy. So I kept praying and reading my inspirational books until I was at my wits end. God was playing games again it seemed and I started having regrets. But somehow, I kept faith though it wasn't much. I quit my job for a reason. I was going to get a job with everything I desired and more. I decreed and declared it to God, even though it seemed as if he was playing games with me.
Two weeks, a call, and 3 interviews later, I got a new job with almost everything I asked for and I couldn't be happier. But if it wasn't for that leap of faith, it might have never happened. When you want something to manifest in your life, you have to give and/or release something to make room for your good. And that's exactly what I did. Released what made me miserable, prayed, and gave thanks for it's manifestation.
If you are unhappy in any area of your life, take the leap & build your wings on your way down.