Let's Talk About Bonds

Oh yeah? LOL okay.
Photo credit: Google Image
So, early one Saturday morning I decided to scroll down my timeline before I had to get ready for work. Well actually, it was more like creeping on future bae's timeline but you know, minor details. Anyway, as I scrolled through his timeline to be er, nosy, I saw that he posted that whole a bond is better than a title mess. Ugh. Et tu future bae?

To be quite frank, I think that the whole bonds and no title bit is a bunch of shit and has got some of us fucked up. But if you would've asked my thoughts on the matter about 2 and half years ago, my feelings would have been the opposite. Case and point:

My ex and I had an on and off thing for eight years that ended almost three years ago. Sometimes we were in an actual relationship and other times we weren't but had something (or two) going on. In the later part of our eight years, it was the latter.

When we had reconnected again (and for the final time), he was single and I was single. I felt feelings growing but since he ain't say nothing, neither did I. As a matter of fact, he suggested I needed a boyfriend. But he probably didn't think I would take him up on that idea. Welp.

So, I got a boyfriend about two weeks later. I wasn't necessarily intending to find one but I was kind of already dating this guy for a bit so we decided to take it to the next level. My ex boyfriend wasn't impressed.

To prove his dissatisfaction, he made every attempt to reignite our bond all while I had a man. He gave no fucks and neither did I to a degree. So when this new boyfriend and I broke up for the 1st time, ex boyfriend wasn't surprised. In fact, he expected it. But he probably didn't expect us to get back together....which we did two weeks later. So ex boyfriend tried harder and it worked.

I couldn't deny the feelings I was having for him anymore and he couldn't deny his feelings for me. We spent late nights talking when I should've been talking to my boyfriend. We planned futures together when I should've been planning that with my boyfriend. We were dropping L words (he said it first, just so we're clear) when I should've been saying that to my boyfriend. Hell, ex boyfriend shouldn't have even been telling me he loves me. He should've kept that to himself.

Eventually I broke up with my boyfriend because it was clear nothing was there. I was wasting his time and he was wasting mine. We weren't going to work anyway but not having a bond didn't help either. I broke up with him in hopes to develop something with one I did have the bond with.

But that never happened.

Instead, we spent three years as 'just friends' though we were making plans. We wanted to get married. We wanted to have kids. We wanted to spend the rest of our lives together. But yet, we never grew to be more than what it was despite this bond. Despite that we were in love or so it seemed.

We never defined what we were or what we had. Everything was just assumed. We spent three years being in love with a gray area.

After a while, I got tired of being in a gray area. I got tired of wondering what we are. I got tired of being where I'm at worrying about where he was and who was he with. It was time to the next level. Taking it to the next level wasn't so far-fetched. It was something we always talked about but now it was now for it to materialize. I was not spending another 3 years in accepted confusion.

But he wasn't ready. In fact, he was seeing someone else but yet maintaining this bond with me. Though I was deeply hurt, I knew I couldn't get mad. And he reminded me that I couldn't get mad because though he loved me and had this connection with me, I was not his girlfriend. And that was the reality of it all.

With that being said, a bond and title go hand in hand. I do not believe you can have one without the other. But don't get it twisted, bonds are extremely important and necessary. However, so are titles. If you're with someone and have a title but no bond, then why are you with them? Doesn't that seem like a waste of time entertaining someone you have no connection with? Then to have a bond with someone with no title, then what is exactly going on? Are y'all friends? Are y'all dating? Are y'all in a relationship? Where is  all of this going because who wants all of their feelings to be in vain?

Having a bond with no title is cute until the one you have this so called bond with is fucking [with] someone else. And unless you're cool with that, you can't get mad. Don't you dare get mad. Because since there is no title, s/he is allowed to do whatever they please. Meanwhile, you're all in your feelings expecting some type of loyalty because of some bond that was never accurately defined.

But when you know better, you do better. What I'm not going to do is build a bond with someone (beyond friendship) for it lead to nowhere. That's wasting my time, his time, and will end in heartbreak. But I'm also not going to call someone my man if I ain't feeling them like that.

Maybe I'm biased. Perhaps I'm even salty. But y'all can have your untitled bonds if you want to.

Comments

  1. Sounds like he wanted his cake and eat it too while you got a fork and empty plate. Glad you got passed that part of life. I know the feeling right now. After a long term relationship ended, my bf now I still hesitate to call my bf. It took months for me to say it. For me, it's fear. Fear of being left and another relationship failure. I'm aware of it and fighting it though because he's an amazing man. Xo. Cheers to you.

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    1. "while you got a fork and empty plate" YESSSS for this analogy because that's exactly what happened! I'm glad that you're working through your fears with this new amazing man in your life. After this situation right here, I decided I needed a break for a bit to learn more about myself and what I really want. But I do know when I do find myself in a real relationship again, I will probably have the same fears as you. :-/

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