Things Fall Apart
GET. ME. OUT.
I was at my breaking point. My patience was nonexistent. I know God has His time but time is running out. I've been in this same maze for seven years if not longer. GET. ME. OUT.
I didn't know how much more I can take. I didn't know how much more I can co-create with the Universe. From where I was standing nothing I've attempted to manifest was coming into fruition.
You're supposed to prepare for what you pray for. Act as if you've already received. But I don't know how much more I can prepare and acting isn't really my strong point.
I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. Tired of seeing all of the people around me flourishing in all ways while I remain stuck. I'm happy for them but what about me? What about me?
I officially ripped all of my little bible scriptures off my wall. They haven't been doing much for me anyway. I stopped writing in my gratitude book because what's the point? At this rate, there is no point.
I wish I could remember a time where things in my life were together. A time when I was happy. A time when things weren't falling apart right in front of my eyes.
My bank account hates me. My almost good credit dropped dramatically within the past year. I'm still stuck in this down-sized apartment. My rent keeps going up but there's no improvement to the community to make it worth it. To be quite honest, my mother and I can barely afford to stay here. We are just making it.
I'm still stuck at a job that I've beyond outgrown and ready to move on from. My BA is not even framed and is just collecting dust. I'm still battling my undisclosed mental illness(es). I'm still wondering if I even like my mother or not. I'm questioning my friendships being that I feel alone in almost all of them. I'm still suicidal because I'm starting to feel that's the only way out. God would have no choice but to deal with me at that point.
So I continue to cry in the middle of my floor more often than not. Once more, this is supposed to be a happy, inspirational blog. But life has been getting too real lately; hindering me from writing inspirationally dope shit. But if you read my updated bio recently, you'd understand why this post makes sense; why this blog NOW makes sense. Love, faith, and hope is cute until you hit the complexities of it. And that's what I'm dealing with: the complexities of love, faith, and hope.
Are you there God? Because I'm trying to let you finish....