And I Wonder...

Here's a post I wrote on my old blog about a year or two ago under a different title. Enjoy.

"You ever wonder what it all really means? You ever wonder if you'll ever find your dreams?" - Kanye West, I Wonder

I've been told that I'm a dreamer many times in my life. There's nothing but truth to that. I spent my entire life dreaming. Dreaming of something much better than what my reality actually was.

I didn't grow up rich and I've discussed that in a post. I didn't grow up in the projects and have this hard hood life like these rappers allegedly had. But my life was no crystal stair either.

I grew up an only child in a single parent home along with my aunt & uncle. Because I had no siblings and the three of them were always at work, I had a lot of free time on my hands. I had friends but I was a loner for the most part (& still am). So to occupy the spare time and sometimes loneliness, all I did was dream.

My dreams were always scattered as you've read in my previous posts. But they all had a common theme: the desire for an extraordinary life.

There was a period of time where I wanted to work in corporate America. More specifically, I wanted to work banking because everyone in my house worked at a bank. I wanted to follow in their footsteps. Oh to be so young.

As I got older, my dreams shifted. I wanted to be an actress. Then a psychologist.  A social worker. A meteorologist,  which was actually my dream for the longest. Then I switched to being a CEO of some international company that allowed me to travel. I wanted to do something,  anything that was amazing. Anything that would've got me out of my hometown on Long Island.

There were times I was completely lost on what to do with my life. In those times,  I started dreaming. Then reality would hit and go back to my everyday life.
I didn't believe in any of my dreams which is why I am where I am now. I would look at people who are living their dreams and secretly wish that would happen to me. Why didn't I believe in those dreams? Were they not valid?

There was a point in time where I really wanted to do journalism and communications. I wanted to write columns like Carrie Bradshaw and live this fabulous life. She was the fictional character that I wanted to become. I also wanted to do radio and talk mess with other co-hosts giving listeners much needed entertainment on their way to work. I wanted my voice, my thoughts to be heard and get paid for it of course.
I don't know what happened and when and where I got lost. Why did I give up my radio dreams? Why didn't I follow my passion for writing? Why didn't I believe my dreams were valid and can be achieved?

I'm learning now that all that we are is a result of what we have thought. I am where I am because I did not believe that I could every last one of those things. Dreams are real if you believe they are real. But it's time for me to stop dreaming and start living.


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