[Personal Post] My Turn
"I'm just a soul whose intentions are good. Oh Lord, please don't let me be misunderstood."
I've made it clear on here that though I post positive ish that my life doesn't always reflect that. I'm believer in practicing what you preach. But I have to say, these days, I'm all talk. That's it.
These days, well months rather, have been very hard for me. I thought I was at my lowest when I took a hiatus back in the Fall. But that was only a prelude. What I felt then is nothing compared to what I feel now.
That thread my faith was hanging on? Gone. I don't believe in anything. I haven't written in my gratitude book in days. Those Bible quotes I have posted around my house? I feel like ripping them down. I have no hope left.
I want you to all know that 95% of my posts are pre-written. I usually write something inspirational and positive while I'm in a [temporarily] good head space. But by the time I schedule them and they are posted for you all to see, I'm more than likely NOT in that good space.
Part of me feels like a hypocrite but aren't we all to some degree? I feel bad when I receive tweets and emails about how my posts helped you or I was right on time. I feel like a fraud because those right on time posts come from a temporarily inspirational place. I wish I could say that I'm happy and positive all the time but I'm not. I'm moody, depressive, and unpredictable most of the time. To be honest, I never know what's going to happen next.
I feel as if I've made no progress. When I look back, it's clear that I've been in the same spot 7+ years. I've taken my own advice: figuring out what I want, go for it, ask, believe, receive, all of it. But nothing has worked. Barely anything has changed. I keep praying and keep waiting but after a while, you just start to give up.
Though I post a lot about God & faith on this blog, I struggle with them almost daily. Most times I don't believe in what I cannot see. I only believe when I have the evidence to know that so and so will happen. I spend a lot of the time wondering if God had forgotten about me. Often times I believe that He doesn't love me and doesn't really help people like me. If He loved me, then why am I still here? I'm doing all that I can and yet I'm still stuck here.
I'm usually happy for other people who receive their blessings. But I can't help but to feel a little jealous and envious. I know we all have our time but I feel like I've been in this time warp for 20 years. As I told one of my dear friends, I've never experienced long term happiness. I've had more valleys than peaks. I've spent over ten years battling depression.
All I want to know is when will it finally be my turn?