Pre-Birthday Post: 25 & Counting

My birthday is tomorrow and I'm not the least bit excited about it. To quote my best friend Jackie, it's just another year closer to death. But honestly, that's not what frustrates me about getting older because let's face it, we're all going to die eventually. None of us are immortal. But the fact that I'm getting older doesn't excite me for the simple fact that I am not where I wanted to be by this age. Not by a fucking long shot.

I know this is supposed to be a positive, upbeat blog but sometimes I come up short. Unfortunately, I do live in two worlds in which I preach one thing but live another. Yes, I'm a hypocrite but aren't we all to some degree? This is isn't to say that I don't desire to be who I preach on here or that I don't try because I do. But when you're a quarter of a century old and have nothing to show for it except 40K in loan debts, it takes a toll on you.

When I envisioned turning 25, I saw myself being put together. Everything in my life wouldn't be perfect but I actually felt like by this time, I'd be a grown up. I would have my own place, a job in my career field, and my own car. But instead, I still live at home, work part time at bakery that I've been trying to leave for the past year, and don't exactly have a car in my name. And let's not get started on what my finances look like.

So perhaps this year I'm a little on the depressed side. I believe strongly in the law of attraction which I make no secret about. I just feel that I am great at manifesting little things such as a sale, food, or something like that. But big things that I truly desire? I tend to fail at that. I tend to manifest the wrong things in that department. Maybe I'm focusing on the wrong things or maybe not focusing hard enough on the right things. Maybe my fears get in the way of me believing that I can have a bomb life. Maybe it's a combination of all 3.

But with every bad, there is some good, right? I mean, I have my BA though I probably will never use it. I do have a place to stay and rest my head at night. Yeah, I still live with my mom, but with these rent prices, even down south, perhaps that's for the best right now. Job? Well, at least I have one and it's been the longest job I've ever had. No, I don't have my dream car or any car in my name for that matter but my mother hates driving and feels bad for not being able to buy me a car at 18. So, I drive her car as if it's mine and that's fine because I do not have the funds to pay a car note. Speaking of funds, my bank account still hates me but I'm being more financially responsible so that in 5 years, I can buy a house or a condo.

So yeah, there's an upside but that doesn't stop me from feeling down. I'm entitled to be in my feelings. Sometimes, I just wish my fate would move faster. How hard do I have to pray? I'm not asking for much and I'm grateful for it all. Maybe I'm not doing enough. Maybe it's simply not my time. But I don't want to be 40 writing another similar post. Hell, I don't even want to be 30 writing a similar post.

This is my 25. Not as exciting as I had hoped it would be. Especially since I'm not doing much. Just probably getting wings and pizza and hopefully sleeping all day because what else is there? My only birthday wish is that I hope God doesn't forget about me when He does His round of blessings.

S.S.

Comments

  1. Hey Soleil,
    Life is a journey not a destination. I recently turned 25 last month and I vowed to look at the bright side of things. I have accomplished a lot by age 25 and still counting. Others around me can't say the same. Sometimes we have a vision for our lives that we haven't met yet but that doesn't mean it's not coming. Create a vision board. Keep the faith!

    -Keisha
    SundayswithKeisha.com

    ReplyDelete
  2. Thank you! I'll keep that all in mind :)

    ReplyDelete

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