The Color of Friendship


It's no secret that in the last few years that I've been living in Charlotte that I've been lonely. I'll be to first to tell you that I only have one real friend out here that I unfortunately don't talk to or see as much as I'd like. I'll also be the first to tell you that more often than not that I feel like my best friend back in NY is the only friend I have left (Hi Kimmy!). Oh and Jackie, when she's not being a jerk.

I've always struggled with friendships. Whether it's gaining one, maintaining one, or flat out losing one, it's always been uphill struggle my whole life. And honestly, that sucks because I actually love friendships. But if I love them so much, why do I only have just one?

Whenever I had a problem, I used put blame on everything and everyone. Back then I didn't realize I may have been the source of my own problem. Nowadays, as I continue to grow and travel down my spiritual journey, I'm now looking inwards when there's a problem. What is it in me that's causing this issue? What do I need to work on? What do I need to learn?

Although I love friendships, I think my lack of them stems from fear. Fear that they won't lasts; fear that they might back stab me; fear that they may trade me in for a better version (that has happened and that really sucks); fear that none of us will keep our end of the deal with building a friendship. I guess bottom line, I fear friendships because I don't know what will come of them.

I always watched SATC and thought how awesome that would be to have a set a girlfriends like that. At many points of my life, I did. But the fights happened, random beefs between two or more in the group, and just life itself is the reason why it fell apart. Looking back on it, it sucks because I really did love those girls/women. But as I'm often reminded, shit happens.

I know not all friendships are not going to last forever. But I like to go into my new friendships thinking that. I mean, why not? Maybe it's a bit naive but what can I say? I love friendships. But this is not to say, I need a lot of friends because I don't. I would much rather have four quarters than a hundred pennies.

But regardless of that, that still doesn't negate the fact that I'm lonely to an extent. It's becoming more apparent to even those around me. I just shrug it off as being a loner because that is partially true. However, how do you meet genuine friends post college though?

Thank goodness for social media. Although social media has it's bad parts, there is some good in there. For it's through social media & blogging that I created friendships that I'm not sure I'd ever create in real life. To connect with like minded individuals from all over, who genuinely care and want to know me beyond writing & vice versa is truly amazing and beautiful.

I guess there is some light at the end of the tunnel I guess.

Peace & Light,
Soleil

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