Living in Uncertainty But Walking With Faith



I've spent most of my life letting people decide for me. I was a quiet well behaved child and teen for the most part. So whatever my elders felt I should do, I did. But soon as I turned 18, all of that changed. Suddenly I became in charge of my life.

"It's about time," I thought to myself. I can finally do what I want when I want. I can live my life and make my own decisions. It was a dream come true or so I thought.

By spending my life letting people making choices for me, I've became indecisive; a trait that still follows me. A trait that my family constantly reminds me of. A trait that I wish I could get rid of.

It's so easy to blame my elders for my indecisiveness but after a certain point, it's no longer their fault. It's mine. Perhaps I don't know what I truly want. Or maybe I do and I'm unsure of how to get there. What if I make the wrong choice? What if I fuck up? Will I ever reach my dreams?

It's these questions that keep me in a stalemate between where I am and where I want to be. Oh how I wish I could make a decision and just stick to it. But even if I did, I probably would change my mind at some point.

It's the fear of not knowing that gives me sleepless nights. I guess there is beauty in not knowing but I can't wrap my complexed mind around that notion.

So what do I do? I meditate and turn to God. At this point, I've decided to just let go and let Him be my guide. Trusting Him to lead me every step of the way because from the looks of things, I can't even trust myself.

I have my moments where I'm not sure if I can trust God, Jesus, and Mother Mary but that usually stems from fear. Where are they taking me? Am I going enjoy the ride? Will I like the destination? Maybe I should just take the wheel instead.

But even when I do take the wheel, clearly I don't know where I'm going; leading me back to square one.

I trust God and those in the Heavens to guide me because doing it alone and unsure what to do has gotten me nowhere. I can't spend another sleepless night wonder where I will end up within the next year. I just can't.

So I'm just going to let go, let God, and walk with faith.

Peace & Light,
Soleil

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